Whenever I read my writings in this blog (from time to time), I feel like I'm reading someone else's mind recently. The readers might think the woman in the pictures looks totally fine in every cute outfits she wears, they might find she is totally happy in
her dainty smiles and positive gaze in her eyes. The way she
writes can be very wise and thoughtful, sometimes she writes sort of melancholic thoughts too. Readers might think she always
know what to do in life/for her future.
I would personally say it's all because I've grown up, mostly I've grown up in pains. Life is about experiences and growing from those experiences. I didn't forget the past nor dwell in the past, I light up the bulb by myself and I moved on and it leads me to become a better version of myself/to better future (with or without the support from people I wished I would always have). I have much on my plate. I’m sure many of you too. I am not ashamed to say that haven't live the life to the fullest but I can choose to live in happiness no matter how many sticks and stones life throws at me.
Change is awesome but not always be awesome (as many political changes in Indonesia have proved it tho). A change in life can define me as a person. Real life had its way with me and so many things these eyes have seen and these ears heard. At the time I might not realize it but I should have been more forgiving, more loving, more supportive, less angry, I should have tried harder to talk first. Sometimes it takes a loving word when I feel like being mean. Be the change, be the difference from the old-self is really hard and I may not want to but I am the only one who can make my own life be better and happier. A change helps me to re-evaluate my life to think of ways to be better and I shouldn't be fearing getting lost in the crowd because sometimes I need to lose myself to find my true characters.
I believe everyone has their own opinions about life and the future. No one is ever really ready for the future. I personally have tendencies about the future by taking all precautions which makes me concerned about everything I do. To me, my future is very important. I have a lot of plans and I wish to accomplish whatever I’ve planned and always pray when it gets tough, I beg God for strength from God everyday. That's called faith and a faith helps defining me as a person.
Am I really better today than what I was yesterday? Am I really in a better place this year than the year before? I questioned myself too often sometimes. I'm figuring out what to do in life. However, I still find myself as a boring person because I am too lazy to make a difference for myself, I don’t trust my talents enough and not dare to step outside of the comfort zone. I am too afraid to take every opportunity that came. That's why I am always questioning myself but it defines myself as a person. If we don't doubt what we do then we are not growing.
I remember I had those 3 months of full of anxiety to think about what exactly I wanted to do in my life. Although I am still not proud of myself (not yet) that I choose my own career path (of course I took a leap of faith when I decided it), like one of the decisions I took last year; seriously I do enjoy working at retail as a visual person, I work hard and I never hate fashion after all this time (getting involved in that world has been my dream since I was a teenager). But my ambition to achieve big things will never stop, I still have a lot of dreams to make it happen. Dreams define me as a person.
Enough with this random talk, whatever you guys do, you will be okay. I wish you good luck in all the adventures of life that are to come <3
